Minding Chaos

This morning pretty much sums up my week. I felt my anxiety rising, I sat down to breathe and collect myself, and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t breathe steadily, I couldn’t calm my mind, I couldn’t count an inhale and feel the weight lift with an exhale. I sat there crossed legged and finally had to lean over and hold my head. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t cry. My thoughts were racing but I didn’t want to think. I woke up with a mind of chaos and it wasn’t going to give up easily.

This week was a hike through highs and lows. To be real, it was mostly lows. A few breakdowns here and there, some motivational issues from myself, a few gratitudes, and climbing out with help from friends, wine, and hearts.

Today was my last day with Jinwoo. He leaves for Korea this week and there is a huge chance I will never see him again. He was adorable, as per usual. We had a play date followed by lunch with his family. At the end of the play date I gave him one of my five bracelets (the one he would always fiddle with when we would read together). He has been a huge part of my life and sanity so far in Africa and one of my dearest friends. I told him to look at it if he ever missed me and as long as he was wearing it, it would keep him safe. He put it on immediately and proceeded to run away and return with a giant bag. Amongst some Korean treats there was a journal. I asked Jinwoo to draw me a picture and sign it on the first page of my journal. He drew about 6 pages worth, all including his name in giant letters and at least one dinosaur.

Jinwoo and Chloe fight a T-Rex (note the T-Rex small arms).

At lunch, Jinwoo offered to give up any video games or movies for a month, and even refused to eat for a full week if I did not come over again after lunch (apparently he had a plan). The real heart-wrencher was when he said to his dad “Mais j’oblie jamais Chloe” which means “but I will never forget Chloe”, when his father and I were talking about how Jinwoo may loose his French and his joy for English upon returning to Korea.

I ended up going back to their place again after lunch for tea and chocolate. Jinwoo persisted on offering me ALL his toys. He ended up ‘only’ giving me about 8 things, ranging from a single orange marker to a ScoobyDoo movie to a sand timer. If things went his way, I would have also left with two guitars and a couch.

I am not sure if my morning anxiety was due to anticipating the final goodbye today, or if it’s just everything catching up to me from burying it for the last few weeks and trying to stay positive. Aside from this goodbye, I had a pretty emotional week due to certain circumstances and my hormones being so out of wack (my monthly bundle of joy finally returned after being on a three month hiatus). The dry season is upon us and it is getting HOT. Being more of a mountain girl and not the beach bum my sister is, I’m not really excited at all. Talking about Kendra, she would have had a good laugh at the pancakes I made in my t-shirt today. I am sweat 4 life. 4ever sweat. All hail sweat queen that is me.

Alright, well, you guys must be getting tired of me going on about my troubles all the time so I will say adios on a more positive note: Saturday was spent coaching a soccer tournament and we came out second place, we bonded like champs, and I successfully bribed a bunch of 11 year old girls to like me with cookies.

All my heart,



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