I finished every race I ran. I started the race, I crossed that finish line. Through every side stitch, pulled muscle, mental give out, and bad start. I took great pride in this – In all the eight something years I ran competitively, I never once let my doubts and pains get to me. I was resilient. Through every injury, not so productive summer training, and disappointing performance, I persisted. I was raised with the mindset of you start it, you finish it. You struggle, you loose hope, you raise your chin a little higher and keep your word to yourself and others. You commit to see it through to the end.
I am struggling. I made the decision to leave this blimp of my life story short. I am breaking my word to myself and to others. I am not crossing the finish line this time and I am at a loss of self assurance. I never thought either decision was the “easy” decision to make, but I am slowly realizing this was the harder decision. I am going against every engrained moral. No wonder I stuck around for six months of misery. By misery I mean the condition of my physical health and the conflict between myself and my inner virulent spirits. Which finally brought me to this conclusion. I need to seek help outside myself. The backlash and suppression of these demons has been at rest for the past two weeks, but I am in no shape here to finish the battle under my current conditions upon their return. Thus, I am booked to fly out at the end of the month. It kills a little part of me to make this decision, but a little part is so much less to give than the alternative.
On that serious note let me interject: It’s not you Africa, it’s me.
The school has been great. I have met so many wonderful, bright, and insightful friends from around the world. I have learned so much more than I would have anywhere else. For this, and for the people here, thank you. Thank you for your welcome, thank you for your kindness, thank you for your camaraderie. And for those at home (or around the world) who have listened to my woes and provided me a raft of support from afar, I love you.
The guilt I carry with this turn in direction will swell and release with the ocean’s tide. It will come and go as time passes, without permission. I accept, I grow, and I trek on with gratitude. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. There will forever be a difference in my heart, there is no way to “move on”, only to accept and acknowledge the beauty in the shadows. To love it for what it was. And for what it was, I love fully.
All my heart,