I finally feel like I am where I am suppose to be, and yet I doubt my worth and place here; I question my existence… why, how, what existence? Little voices keep telling me you’re not smart enough to be here… you took someone’s place… someone who really wanted this… someone more worthy of you…
Even though I know on the surface to ignore these small nonsenses, there is always that sly sliver of doubt that creeps in and settles in the smallest, darkest corner. It questions my competency and purpose. Sometimes it comes and goes with my breakfast. Other times it sets up camp for weeks without drawing complete attention to itself, simply making sure I know it’s still watching me. Kind of like that spider that keeps coming back in the shower even though you swear you washed it down the drain last week, you know? Or when you flush that one poop, but you come back hours later to discover a few stubborn pieces still floating around. No? Just me? Ok, sorry.
Why do we do that? (Referring to questioning our worth, not our poop.) We make it somewhere, we achieve dreams and get ourselves into a position we worked years to attain or anticipated for months, and we doubt our worth or question our place there. Did I really want this? Was my judgement of this outcome mislead? Were the sacrifices the right choices? Is this it? (ALWAYS the real nut breaker: Is. This. It?)
So, we meet again, great feeling of unworthiness and doubt. The monster of disabling myself and comparing myself to others. I find it amusing that, hypothetically, I’ve been here before. Having made my way through it, I assumed I acquired the skill of positive self care and a confident self image. But the reality is, life is just a big fat cycle that never really resolves itself. The world isn’t flat and square with all the answers written in a nice pamphlet. It’s a bitch of a circle, full of waves and currents and storms and seasons. Things will come and go and things will get hard and then easier again. It’s not a matter of the outcome when you reach the other side, or how fast you travel through the time. It’s about knowing how to get to the other side in the best way possible for you.
You can get better at dealing with these unwanted and scary emotions and situations, but they will always have the potential of returning, in similar and completely different forms, and there will never be a certainty they’re gone forever. It’s a cycle. We all know everything that goes around, comes around. The part people forget to tell you is that it continues to come around and around and around and around. So, what I am trying to say is, life doesn’t come and go and we never “overcome” or “get over” something. Whether that something is a personal struggle, a relationship, a loss, or a bad day. We find ways to deal with it and share space with it. We find distractions that work for us. We get up every morning despite the heaviness. We teach our brains to focus on the little blisses of everyday. For me, it’s the deep warmth of the sun on my skin one more time, my loved ones, exchanging a smile with a stranger, or eating breakfast (well, eating in general, ’cause: cheese). You won’t have the same reasons to get out of bed, and that’s the point. Everyone feels different and will cope differently. Everyone matters because they are different. You belong because you are different. Try, try, try, and retry until you find it.
This post took a turn I wasn’t expecting and ended up being a lot longer than I anticipated. Apologies, and congratulations for making it through my literate brain babbles. The plan was to talk about doubt and making cheesy references to the ocean. Instead, you got some deep shit about coping with life’s never ending hamster wheel.
Stay strong, my friends. Your existence matters, and this is not “it”.
I promise. I’ve been there… and will meet you there again.
All my heart,