The need for company of no one but the feeling of nothing.
Blue is the only light I feel completely at peace in.
Wanting no company, needing no company,
but this blue dim.
That’s all I need.
I’ve always had this ‘addiction’ to sadness. That’s the only way I can explain it. The endless search for that dim blue, regardless of my own consent for the search. Finding blue. On the edge of blue, seeking alternatives to the dark charm, chasing these alternatives, but always holding my finger tips to the sensation, without being able to gain that extra inch to really grasp them. In the blue, bewitched by the lure to go deeper, but knowing wiser.
I spent most of my adolescence and young adulthood in a desire to feel at darker depths. How deep can I fall without disappearing? If I fall too deep, will it be ok? I’ll be ok, but what about the people who love me? Sometimes I’d linger here, feeling possessed by someone who wasn’t quite me. At this point I’d force myself to crawl back out, leaving my alter ego in the shadows. Trading her for a real person with rational responses. Someone who actually cared.
Today I am not so drawn to the need for blue, and she doesn’t seek me as much either. What scares me more these days is the inability to feel anything. The last few weeks I didn’t recognize my own character. I was indifferent to caring, to feeling anything. There were no emotions. I couldn’t dig deep and just feel something. I was a cold hard slab of concrete. No feelings, no sympathy, no reason. Which makes me think, am I too comfortable? Have I made a life for myself where there is no reason to feel? We cry and we laugh to adapt to new situations and changes in life. If I can’t cry about these changes, if I can’t just FEEL these changes, these adaptations, what does that mean? Am I adapting? Do I simply not care anymore? Have I lost my desire to push the limits outside the cookie cutter?
I sleep in a bed, under a roof, surrounded by my things and I live a really easy life compared to those I’ve seen and know exist. So why can’t I feel in this comfortable life? When does comfortable become too comfortable? Have I simply hit a plateau? Have I settled? My worst fear: settling.* These days there is a feeling of loss, but more so a feeling of having lost something, and not caring enough to find it again. I read some of my posts from this past year and never realized how emotionally invested I was in my life. I miss that. I miss questioning purpose and existence and finding answers in my own humility and epiphanies. Right now, I don’t have answers. And I’m not sure if I’d rather be in the state I was writing those posts last year, or in the state I am now. Writing things out to you guys usually gives me peace of mind and allows me to leave you with hopeful advice on how to move forward. Sorry I don’t have that for you today.
I don’t know guys, maybe I just need a dog.
All my grayscaled heart,
*Google’s definition of settle:
Adopt a more steady or secure style of life, especially in a permanent job and home.
“one day I will settle down and raise a family”
If you can’t tell, my left eye is twitching as I copy and paste this here.