Not Myself

 

“I just don’t feel myself”

The most relatable quote someone has ever said to me… And I couldn’t find the right words, as if there are the right words, to say. A friend recently poured her sweet sweet self out to me between secondhand sweaters and one dollar samosas. I felt so useless. I have  been there too many times to count, and I couldn’t find a response worthy of her beautiful open heart.
‘I just don’t feel myself.’ The helpless feeling of having no control over what’s happening to you and around you. The feeling of choking on emotions every second, of every hour, no matter whether the mind is occupied or empty. And the counter of not feeling emotions, to an inanimate extent, for days with no end. The greatly effortful task of remembering what things make you smile, and then, the seemingly impossible task of doing them.

Dear friend,

I am sorry I did not have words for you when you were so brave to pour your heart onto the table. Know that I and your friends and family are here, to listen, to distract, to hug you, or to simply sit in the same room as you so the world doesn’t seem as empty. We don’t even have to talk.
Know it is ok to be emotional. To cry. To be frustrated with yourself. There is no way to speed up the process of feeling ‘normal’ again, but whatever you do, do not stop searching. Let yourself go through what it needs to, but remain conscious of the process. Cry until you are too exhausted, and then make a list of the things that make you happy. Stare at your ceiling for 3.25 hours and then go do one of those things. This pursuit to feel grounded once again in your own skin gets you places. Trust me, she’s there. You will find her, but only when she is ready. And when you do finally find her, she will be stronger, wiser, more confident, and more grounded than ever before.
It is times like these that we are truly exposed and vulnerable. It is times like these that define us as humans. You are so brave and true, my friend. I have no doubts this will pass and you will be more you than you have ever been you. I only hope you can see this too.

All my heart,
Chlo

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