Growing Pains

For those who have experienced the distance of an old friend.

Growing up, I always knew I never belonged. I always spent my time consumed in sports, art, or hanging out with the few close friends I had. I’ve only felt ‘at ease’ in a small portion of my ventures, and I’m still trying to find my place in this world. This has taken me on a very different route than my childhood friends. The few very close friends I continue to cherish. And I wish our new differences didn’t hurt this much.

Confession: I’ve been holding onto some resentment the last few months. Bitterness that’s been lying dormant in my bones and surfacing every few days. When it does surface, it surfaces as obscure anger and frustration. I’ve had relationships fizzle out in the past, due to extreme events or simply lack of contact. The cause of the fizzling is usually clear, but I can’t pinpoint this one. And it pisses me right off. This was a dear friendship I held close to my heart for a large chunk of my existence. I cared for this person and I know they cared for me also. So what happened? I’ve tried reaching out on my end, yet I can’t seem to get feedback from their end. My auto mode was to place the blame on them, of course. Our default is usually to pass the blame. But they may be seeing the same thing from their end – that I am to blame. And when it comes down to it, who cares who’s at fault. I’m sure we both are.

It finally hit me today, a moment of epiphany on the long bus home: this person and I have been growing in different dirt, in different lives we have created for ourselves. I’ve grown in different ways, and vice versa. It’s not that one grew more than the other; more so that we transplanted ourselves into different story books from the one we use to share. With different motives and different hearts. My friend has different dreams than me and I have different experiences than them. We’ve grown to be different. And that’s ok. I think that’s what the epiphany finally was: it’s ok to be different now. Maybe I’m the forest and they’re the prairie field. Maybe their roots are content in their space and mine need more. Maybe I’m making too many metaphors. Maybe I’ve thought about this too long. All I know is we are different people than when we were young. And it’s O.K. It’s ok to let go. It’s ok to let go of people we once knew, for we are no longer who we once were. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m letting go and keeping an open heart. I’m here if they need me, but I refuse to put my energy in a relationship with no reciprocation. I’m here when they have a blip in their journey and need a catch-net. I’ll catch them, always. But until then, I’ll continue on my path, and them on theirs. Further from each other than the day before. And that’s ok. I know I needed to leave to grow and they needed to plant their feet and share their energy elsewhere. Although these new growing pains will ache my bones for a while more, I am no longer frustrated. I understand, and I am ready to let go. It’s ok to let go.

I wish them nothing but a life of love, well-being, and growth in whichever garden they desire.

Until our roots cross again,
Chlo

**Disclosure: I’m not heartless – I know this person doesn’t read le blog. This is me helping me process the end of a friendship, and hoping, if you can relate, it will help you too.